it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
