guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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