i already hear my dad disowning me
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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