do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
