and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
