I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
