Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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