Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
