At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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