Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
