..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
