Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
