I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
There's even glitter on my cock...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
