God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize