I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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