I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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