I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
