Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just invented taco cereal.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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