I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
