Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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