Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
