I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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