I faked an abortion last night.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I could fuck to npr.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
