I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
