Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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