Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
