living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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