dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
