Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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