ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
