I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
