I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
