His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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