so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
