No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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