Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
