see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
