I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
