Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I seem to have left my pride at pride
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
