matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
