no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
