my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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