I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
