Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
