Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
