there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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