Pappa wants mamma naked
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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