Even the bartender felt bad for me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
