mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
