i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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