Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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