How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My penis needs a shock collar
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
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