On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
