All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
