my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
