I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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