I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
