Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
