We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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